Processing stuff: Take 2

I don't know who. if anybody reads this.

If anybody does you may have noticed I deleted the post I wrote yesterday. Normally I'm a big advocate for standing behind what I write and I do stand behind some of the things I said. The thing is that one of my weakness' is that I tend to come out all guns blazing when I'm in an argument, and especially when I feel I've been wronged and have hurt feelings.

As much as it sucked and as bummed out as I was, the break up itself didn't hurt my feelings. For what it was worth I agree that we were kind of at a stand still. I would've loved to talk it out, but obviously that didn't happen. As the days progressed after the break up and I began to process things, it became apparent that it was something she had thought about for a while. And subsequently I retroactivly realised that she had been distancing herself the last few weeks of our relationship. Also she lied to me at least once that last week; twice if you count the last date night we had where for the most part she pretended like everything was alright. I don't care how its justified, I don't care how much she thought or prayed about it, it was kind of a low move. Lying is lying and for someone who I placed that much trust in and who I cared about that much, its a pretty big betrayal.

Call this talking crap, call this venting after I said I wouldn't, call this going behind her back to tell the wonderful world of the internet, you can even call it me whipping up a sob story for people to feel bad for me; but it is what it is. The other day someone asked me what would I do if she contacted me wanting to talk. And the honest answer is that I don't know.

I truely am sorry for hurting her feelings. And in hindsight I do respect what our relationship was and I do love all the memories (despite purging every reference from her from my facebook). But right now I don't know if I'm ready to even think about wanting to talk to her at this point.

Obviously I haven't let go of everything yet. Maybe I'll be able to, maybe I never will.

Bleh.