Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Business as Usual

So I went on vacation last Iowa. AND IT WAS AWESOME! I'm not going to lie, there's jack shit to do in Iowa especially in Cantril where my relatives live. I just needed a break. Not so much due to the break up, but I literally haven't had a break from life since Fall of 2009.

Mostly We (my parents came too) just sat and hung out with my Aunt and Uncle. Saturday we did go see a few "sites." There was a park I always used to go to when I was younger right outside the nursing home where both my Great Grandparents ended up. And on the way there we stopped for wine tasting and then drove through camp grounds/state park. The was a ginormous slide that didn't seem as ginormous now that I'm almost 30 and but I got just as much of a thrill from it, and then I got motion sickness from going on the swing. Fun Times though.

Now I'm back to the real world and am realizing how much I need a change. I've gone on record many times saying that I do have good jobs for good companies, but I really want to cook in some capacity. So I think that's my goal for the moment.

Likewise, I feel like I'm in a rut and being single allows me to look into the possibility of moving to another city. I don't feel like I'm being held back. And believe me, despite what the Ex said I DID feel like I was being held back from ever considering moving. At the same time, I think I secretly do love Grand Rapids and want to end up back here if I were to move away (well unless I ended up in NYC, San Francisco or Chicago....but two out of three of those can't really happen).

So I don't know whats going to happen. I think I've done a pretty good job of pulling my emotions back together and to go back to "business as usual." Or as usual as I'm going to get. I'm never going to go back to what business as usual was before I was in a relationship. I've changed and learned so much since then that "normal" for me is different what it was. And frankly I like it.

I've come to quite a few affirming realizations about things lately and it totally changes my view points on life and myself. I have no place to go but up right now and if it's a journey I have to take by myself then hooray for me I suppose!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Processing stuff: Take 2

I don't know who. if anybody reads this.

If anybody does you may have noticed I deleted the post I wrote yesterday. Normally I'm a big advocate for standing behind what I write and I do stand behind some of the things I said. The thing is that one of my weakness' is that I tend to come out all guns blazing when I'm in an argument, and especially when I feel I've been wronged and have hurt feelings.

As much as it sucked and as bummed out as I was, the break up itself didn't hurt my feelings. For what it was worth I agree that we were kind of at a stand still. I would've loved to talk it out, but obviously that didn't happen. As the days progressed after the break up and I began to process things, it became apparent that it was something she had thought about for a while. And subsequently I retroactivly realised that she had been distancing herself the last few weeks of our relationship. Also she lied to me at least once that last week; twice if you count the last date night we had where for the most part she pretended like everything was alright. I don't care how its justified, I don't care how much she thought or prayed about it, it was kind of a low move. Lying is lying and for someone who I placed that much trust in and who I cared about that much, its a pretty big betrayal.

Call this talking crap, call this venting after I said I wouldn't, call this going behind her back to tell the wonderful world of the internet, you can even call it me whipping up a sob story for people to feel bad for me; but it is what it is. The other day someone asked me what would I do if she contacted me wanting to talk. And the honest answer is that I don't know.

I truely am sorry for hurting her feelings. And in hindsight I do respect what our relationship was and I do love all the memories (despite purging every reference from her from my facebook). But right now I don't know if I'm ready to even think about wanting to talk to her at this point.

Obviously I haven't let go of everything yet. Maybe I'll be able to, maybe I never will.


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Moving on

My room is a mess right now. Actually that's not much of a surprise because as my former roomate can attest to, my room is ALWAYS a mess. This mess is different though, the current mess was created one of the last times I talked to the (now ex) girlfriend. It was the monday before she broke up to me and we were chatting on IM. She had claimed to have a migraine and alot on her mind and was cleaning her room to help her think. I knew that the two of those combined often made her mopey so I expressed concern at which point she said not to worry and to not be bummed.

Yeah look how that turned out. bleh. At this point there's zero chance of us getting back together let alone even talking to each other. Feelings were hurt, things were said and now neither of us like each other. It sucks and I wish it didn't end like that. But it is what it is I suppose. I'd like to say that I feel bad that it went from simply adoring each other to disdaining each other in about 2 weeks. But then I remember that it was something she had been thinking about for a while. i think thats the one thing I can't get over. And I can't let myself get consumed by that because I don't want to sit her questioning the last month or so of our relationship

Another kick in the gut is the diassembly of Steam Pig. Steam Pig was an exhibit for Art Prize that was right out side the B.O.B in Grand Rapids. Last year for Artprize the Ex, her friend and I went exploring and her friend and I fell in love with it and Steam Pig came a reocurring subject the rest of our relationship. At first I thought I would be sad everytime I past it, but at the same time its a good memory of our relationship. I have gifts from her that are good memories. I don't just want to throw them all away. I wanted it to stay there because it would be a reminder to both of us of the good parts of our relationship; and to be frank I also was slightly glad that when/if she walked past it would be a glaring reminder of me. But alas, the BOB has expansion plans and The Steam Pig won't fit where it is. Much like our relationship I guess its the end of an era.

The past two or so weeks I've come to learn a bunch of things about myself. I've come to accept some of my insecurities and fears. I still stand by the fact that they contributed to some of my failings in the relationship. I've discovered just how much my friends and family love me. I mean I guess I knew that before, but EVERYBODY has been going out of their way to see how I'm doing and in light of losing that type of emotional support after the breakup, its nice to have people to talk to. I've rediscovered the joy of guys night (especially now that Zigs and I are back to being the bachelors). If the relationship and the resulting breakup was a roundabout way of learning these lessons then I suppose I have to accept that. I HATE that we had to break up but it is what it is.

Letting go really sucks. I have to let go of everything, the hurt feelings, any hope of being in a relationship, wanting to see her smile.....everything, before I can totally be over her. I don't know if I can ever do that. But I just have to keep moving forward and try my best.

Monday, August 1, 2011

On hold!

So I guess what I have jokingly called "Operation: Less talk, more doing" is on hold for a bit. A few of the things I was trying to get around to doing involved certain things I wanted to do with my girlfriend. Only she's not my girlfriend anymore.
I owe it to her not to rant or vent at all on the internet. There's some sadness and disappointment I have to deal with first before I can fully process what happend. I don't know what I'm going to do about any of it. I want to try to work things out if possible, BUT I don't want to get hopes up too much.
So yeah, I know most the people who read this probably got an idea of what happened on facebook-land. I know she knows about this blog so thats also why I'm not going to vent or anything.
Oh well