VICTORY!!!!

Very early on in my experiences with working I've tried to have a very good work ethic. I've tried to work hard and be respectful of the people I work with and the customers (when I've had to deal with them). I also came to learn early on that it doesn't always get you anywhere. There were many times in jobs where I asked if I could be moved to another department or get cross trained and was turned down while people who didn't seem to put in as much of an effort got moved up. There were times that I had to fight just as much for hours. I've had bosses rave about how good of a worker I am and how they wish they could clone me, yet scoffed when I asked about having a raise. In almost all of my jobs I got to a point where eventually I just stopped caring and slacked off....well as much as my work ethic would let me.

That has finally all changed.

Recently I quit my job at the restaurant in GR. Gas prices were killing me and I was getting to the aforementioned point where I wasn't caring as much. Also, it helped that I got offered a job at a place opening up in Zeeland (a town smack dab next to where I live). Once again I was dishwashing, but at this point I didn't care. I just needed a second job closer to where I live. We got my availability with the grocery store worked out although there was an annoyance on their part the first day after they realized that two of the nights they scheduled me that I wouldn't be available til an hour or so after they wanted me. That annoyance lasted about 2 days until they realized how good I was. After day 3, they said that if I wanted more hours they would gladly give them to me.

Then they had their first weekend. I try not to worry about what goes on when I'm not at a job. But I already knew that the other dishwasher couldn't handle it. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but during training it was obvious that it was his first job (obviously he's in high school) or at least his first restaurant. Every day I worked that first week I had both cooks and FOH people tell me they loved how I could keep up and somehow I knew the weekend wasn't going to go smoothly.

Enough about that though, things were going VERY smoothly and then about half way through the night the sous chef was like "Hey, we need to talk to you before you leave". I'm not sure who reads this but hearing those words is never a good thing. Luckily he knew what was going through my head and clarified that the talk was nothing to worry about. Towards the end of the night Brooks (the sous chef), Luke (the owner/GM/Chef?) and I went outside to talk.

And they offered me full time!!!

Full time as in a 5 day, 40 hour work week. And a raise to $8. I don't think I've EVER gotten a raise based on ability and working for 40 hours in rare in the restaurant industry unless you're on salary and salary in that business is not a good thing.

Naturally I accepted. Which means no more grocery store. It will make going out on "weekends" harder, but I get a two day weekend on Sunday and Monday which will make planning things with friends easier.

My whole working life I've run with the idea that hopefully someday I'll work as a place where they recognize and reward mine (or anybody's) hard work. It's nice to finally be at that place.

Like I said, life can only go up from here!

The Fall and Rise of Tim

Two years ago I would have to say life was looking good. I had just started dating a wonderful girl, I was FINALLY starting my last semester of college and I had just gotten a job set up for the summer; after which I had found a job back in the area pretty soon after.

As far as I was concerned I was pretty set. Then things turned around pretty quickly. I’ve covered most of what’s happened here and there. I got let go from what was probably the best job I have had in a while, then roughly a year ago I got a job at the grocery store I’m at now, I became single and then got in a real rut. For the past couple of months I feel like I was aimlessly floating along.

I hate the thought of New Year’s Resolutions. I’m all for making goals for oneself but not purely because it’s the New Years. It’s about as idiotic as doing something for your significant other PURELY because it’s Valentine’s Day, or going out drinking PURELY because it’s St Patrick’s Day. But at the beginning of this year I made a goal for myself to stop floating aimlessly and to start making some decent changes. It was a result of a few things that happened at the end of last year. The first thing was that my sister is helping me pay for 6 months’ worth of health insurance. It’s been a big step in helping me realize I have to get things back on track. Another thing was the girl I was dating on and off for a few months at the end of the year. One of the reasons she ultimately didn’t think we’d work out was that I was still at a point where I wasn’t fully independent (or could be independent). While I could argue that her reason for not sticking with me was because she wasn’t fully ready to date, I think she had a point….to an extent.

Even with the two jobs I have right now, there’s no way I could plausibly afford to move out. I could totally go get a full time job at a factory but that would be totally demoralizing. I’d rather stick with jobs in the food industry which is what I went to school for and still live with my parents, than to move out and have a job I hate. For me it’s more about trying to get my head back on my shoulders and figure out what I want to do to accomplish things in life.

Right now I’m slowly doing the responsible thing by having health insurance and trying to pay off my debts. My sister is also helping me figure out a better budget. I’m regaining confidence and self-esteem in myself about life in general (and for dating). I’m still a hermit who spends way too much time being lame at home, but I’m trying to stay productive by reading or doing cooking projects.

Cooking is another thing. My “unofficial” official goal is to cook at least one type of meal per week. I mean obviously I have to cook dinner multiple times a week but I want to try something more major or in depth. That’s been successful to various extents but it’s something fun to try at least.

So while life isn’t as totally well as it was two years ago, I do admit I’m just as happy as where things are going. I’m figuring things out and putting the wheels in motion to get places.

Reboot

Look up top there at the explanation of what my blog is. Nowhere up there does it mention that the point of the blog is me venting about my love life (or lack thereof). Sure it affects me and is noteworthy. Sure it’s worth mentioning, but I’ve noticed that I’ve slowly gotten into a rut the past 6 months or so worrying too much about it. I’m totally trying not to dwell on it. Even though I may or may not be trying to step back into dating I think I truly am just taking it as it comes.

Something I DO mention up top is being a comic geek. I’ve read comics on and off since I was about 8. My comics of choice are DC comics (you know Batman, Green Lantern, Flash). Recently they rebooted their continuity. Unlike previous attempts at clearing things up, this mostly put everything back to square one. I say mostly because at the beginning of the new series it’s established that the heroes have been around for around 6 years. While some stories from the previous continuity happened (like for instance there still have been 4 Robins, and some of the ramifications from recent GL stories are still there), others have been ignored (Wally West aka the third Flash is nowhere to be seen). Regardless everything makes sense and fits in regards to things not contradicting each other. I could go on and on about that, but comics aren’t the point.

The point is that I’m rebooting this blog so to say. I somewhat have a vision of the kind of things I want to write about and the vibe I want so my goal is to take steps to reach that. I took a step back and realized that currently my blog isn’t super interesting. It has the potential too though. While I don’t expect or want it to be read by people all over the universe, I DO get a thrill out of knowing people read and appreciate what I wrote. So here’s to hopes of that.

I guess I want to write about stuff that I proud about sharing. So yes, the fact that Eharmony’s representative on twitter gave me (and many others) a free subscription is interesting. But it’s not something I really want to dwell on; especially if it causes me to be all mopey and it’s not leading anyplace. Cooking and comics and pictures and my smartassery are much more interesting to read and write about.

Going back to the comic analogy for a second; like I said some things are acknowledged and some things are ignored. So I may still touch on my feelings about dating. But mostly I just want to write about my life and where it’s going.

Business as usual: part 2?

So its been what.....about 2 months since I posted last. And things have gotten better to an extent.

My room is clean, and I mean REALLY clean. Shortly after the last post my parents decided we should paint my room which meant pulling everything out and cleaning things in the process. It was a much needed task so I'm glad it got done. Now I just need to stay on point with straightening things up.

Being single again was kind of strange to get used to. I think one of the things I missed the most was just having someone I could randomly text during the day for no reason at all. Within the first couple weeks after the Ex broke up with me we had a dead lobster in the tank at work and other lobsters had eaten parts of him (yes, they do that). And my gut instinct was to send a smartass observation to the ex (which obviously I couldn't). So it was the small things like that that I really missed.

Getting back to business as usual became easier and easier. But like I said in the last post, it obviously wasn't the same as it was before the relationship. And that's a good thing. The relationship itselt taught me alot about myself and how to deal with life in general. I got over a few insecurities and became more self confident. I learned what qualities I like in a girl and what I don't want. And now that I'm dating another girl, its helping me put things in perspective (more on the other girl at another time).

I've been trying to get out more and more. There's only so long I can sit around and be mopey before going crazy. I've gotten a new (new) second job, I've tried to go hang out with John or Lindsay and Patrick or Dflo when possible (which isn't much), and I've just gone to browse bookstores for the heck of it. I went on another vacation, I've read more. I've just tried to do stuff that I've liked to do.

Life is hectic, but then again it always is. That's one of the things we don't realize until we're adults. But I would rather be making my own way in life as an adult than being totally clueless about life like I was when I was a kid.

Business as Usual

So I went on vacation last weekend....to Iowa. AND IT WAS AWESOME! I'm not going to lie, there's jack shit to do in Iowa especially in Cantril where my relatives live. I just needed a break. Not so much due to the break up, but I literally haven't had a break from life since Fall of 2009.

Mostly We (my parents came too) just sat and hung out with my Aunt and Uncle. Saturday we did go see a few "sites." There was a park I always used to go to when I was younger right outside the nursing home where both my Great Grandparents ended up. And on the way there we stopped for wine tasting and then drove through camp grounds/state park. The was a ginormous slide that didn't seem as ginormous now that I'm almost 30 and but I got just as much of a thrill from it, and then I got motion sickness from going on the swing. Fun Times though.

Now I'm back to the real world and am realizing how much I need a change. I've gone on record many times saying that I do have good jobs for good companies, but I really want to cook in some capacity. So I think that's my goal for the moment.

Likewise, I feel like I'm in a rut and being single allows me to look into the possibility of moving to another city. I don't feel like I'm being held back. And believe me, despite what the Ex said I DID feel like I was being held back from ever considering moving. At the same time, I think I secretly do love Grand Rapids and want to end up back here if I were to move away (well unless I ended up in NYC, San Francisco or Chicago....but two out of three of those can't really happen).

So I don't know whats going to happen. I think I've done a pretty good job of pulling my emotions back together and to go back to "business as usual." Or as usual as I'm going to get. I'm never going to go back to what business as usual was before I was in a relationship. I've changed and learned so much since then that "normal" for me is different what it was. And frankly I like it.

I've come to quite a few affirming realizations about things lately and it totally changes my view points on life and myself. I have no place to go but up right now and if it's a journey I have to take by myself then hooray for me I suppose!

Processing stuff: Take 2

I don't know who. if anybody reads this.

If anybody does you may have noticed I deleted the post I wrote yesterday. Normally I'm a big advocate for standing behind what I write and I do stand behind some of the things I said. The thing is that one of my weakness' is that I tend to come out all guns blazing when I'm in an argument, and especially when I feel I've been wronged and have hurt feelings.

As much as it sucked and as bummed out as I was, the break up itself didn't hurt my feelings. For what it was worth I agree that we were kind of at a stand still. I would've loved to talk it out, but obviously that didn't happen. As the days progressed after the break up and I began to process things, it became apparent that it was something she had thought about for a while. And subsequently I retroactivly realised that she had been distancing herself the last few weeks of our relationship. Also she lied to me at least once that last week; twice if you count the last date night we had where for the most part she pretended like everything was alright. I don't care how its justified, I don't care how much she thought or prayed about it, it was kind of a low move. Lying is lying and for someone who I placed that much trust in and who I cared about that much, its a pretty big betrayal.

Call this talking crap, call this venting after I said I wouldn't, call this going behind her back to tell the wonderful world of the internet, you can even call it me whipping up a sob story for people to feel bad for me; but it is what it is. The other day someone asked me what would I do if she contacted me wanting to talk. And the honest answer is that I don't know.

I truely am sorry for hurting her feelings. And in hindsight I do respect what our relationship was and I do love all the memories (despite purging every reference from her from my facebook). But right now I don't know if I'm ready to even think about wanting to talk to her at this point.

Obviously I haven't let go of everything yet. Maybe I'll be able to, maybe I never will.

Bleh.

Moving on

My room is a mess right now. Actually that's not much of a surprise because as my former roomate can attest to, my room is ALWAYS a mess. This mess is different though, the current mess was created one of the last times I talked to the (now ex) girlfriend. It was the monday before she broke up to me and we were chatting on IM. She had claimed to have a migraine and alot on her mind and was cleaning her room to help her think. I knew that the two of those combined often made her mopey so I expressed concern at which point she said not to worry and to not be bummed.

Yeah look how that turned out. bleh. At this point there's zero chance of us getting back together let alone even talking to each other. Feelings were hurt, things were said and now neither of us like each other. It sucks and I wish it didn't end like that. But it is what it is I suppose. I'd like to say that I feel bad that it went from simply adoring each other to disdaining each other in about 2 weeks. But then I remember that it was something she had been thinking about for a while. i think thats the one thing I can't get over. And I can't let myself get consumed by that because I don't want to sit her questioning the last month or so of our relationship

Another kick in the gut is the diassembly of Steam Pig. Steam Pig was an exhibit for Art Prize that was right out side the B.O.B in Grand Rapids. Last year for Artprize the Ex, her friend and I went exploring and her friend and I fell in love with it and Steam Pig came a reocurring subject the rest of our relationship. At first I thought I would be sad everytime I past it, but at the same time its a good memory of our relationship. I have gifts from her that are good memories. I don't just want to throw them all away. I wanted it to stay there because it would be a reminder to both of us of the good parts of our relationship; and to be frank I also was slightly glad that when/if she walked past it would be a glaring reminder of me. But alas, the BOB has expansion plans and The Steam Pig won't fit where it is. Much like our relationship I guess its the end of an era.

The past two or so weeks I've come to learn a bunch of things about myself. I've come to accept some of my insecurities and fears. I still stand by the fact that they contributed to some of my failings in the relationship. I've discovered just how much my friends and family love me. I mean I guess I knew that before, but EVERYBODY has been going out of their way to see how I'm doing and in light of losing that type of emotional support after the breakup, its nice to have people to talk to. I've rediscovered the joy of guys night (especially now that Zigs and I are back to being the bachelors). If the relationship and the resulting breakup was a roundabout way of learning these lessons then I suppose I have to accept that. I HATE that we had to break up but it is what it is.

Letting go really sucks. I have to let go of everything, the hurt feelings, any hope of being in a relationship, wanting to see her smile.....everything, before I can totally be over her. I don't know if I can ever do that. But I just have to keep moving forward and try my best.